15 Aug RANDOM JOURNAL ENTRIES: Tough realization today………Unedited, just as I wrote it
Dec 15, 2016
Tough realization after psychologist appointment……..YES, I have mental health issues, sounds probably like PTSD. I learned how the brain is supposed to work and how mine is working.
Hard to hear that everything I’ve experienced is REAL! But good to hear that I’m not CRAZY and to understand what’s going on in my brain. The way my brain is working right now is only allowing me to survive. Doing my basic routines: wake up, eat, get Nolan ready for school, exercise, get Nolan from school. All other decision making is shut down. As simple as “what’s for dinner?” My brain cannot process. Working with too much emotional and in crisis mode, living in the reptilian flight or flight mode all day long! Which is normally only responsible for 1% of brain function! Needs cognitive to deal with problems.
(What my psychologist explained to me that day) (I will post more regarding brain function but for my purpose today, this is only what I wrote)
Reptilian – “normally” is 1 % of brain function . basic function, auto pilot, focused on small picture, resistant to change, retreat to familiar, needs structure,governs fear and anger, gives energy/takes energy, ****CAN SUT DOWN THE REST OF THE BRAIN WHEN THREATENED, “EMOTIONAL HIJACKING”
Limbic – “normally” is 30% of brain function – emotions, feeling, memories, habits, etc
Neo Cortex – “normally” is 69% of brain function – language, abstract thoughts, imagination, consciousness, reasoning, rationality
So, as much as I want help/need help from other people, it’s hard to accept help, and then it’s hard to not feel guilty about someone having to help.
Some of my day was very difficult!
I really like Dr Saunders, He’s awesome and he can help me. He understands the firefighter job.
My thoughts on not wanting to do my job anymore, and not wanting to ever feel this way again. And me doubting and wondering if my illness is from work? His question to me, ” would you feel this way if you weren’t a firefighter?” “NO!”
Lots of work to do…….